I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
