3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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