I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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