i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
