Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
