theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
