I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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