Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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