My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
