Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
