I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
