Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
