he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
