C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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