my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
