My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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