Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
