if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
