Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
