I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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