i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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