I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize