why didn't you poke me back
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
