she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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