Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she smelled like a LAN party
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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