HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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