im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Congratulations! We have a period
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