They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
