Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
please come you make the beer taste better
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
