I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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