Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
