Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
