If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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