Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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