I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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