Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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