Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
