2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
