you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
