we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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