I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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