I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize