he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
