pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
