i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
