and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
