then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
