if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
