I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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