woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
