I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
