dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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