Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
