I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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