bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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