Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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